candysue

So, today I put in an application for an apartment along with the $99 required to secure it. The girls and I went to see it yesterday and fell in love with it. It was perfectly centered near the girls school, the bus stop so I could ride back and forth to the college, and right next to the river. The giant windows in the sun room along the wooden floors overlooked large oak trees with no sign of the city anywhere. The woman in the office was helpful and assured me that I would have no problems getting approved, even with my less than great credit.

And then later this afternoon as the girls and I were exploring the absolutely wonderful grand opening of the new Fort Worth Science and History Museum, I received the call that my application had been denied based on my credit score and bad accounts represented therefore.

It’s okay because I had been expecting this. And I had been crying for the past three days anyway. �I had received a call from the school counselor, hours prior, to ask if my youngest daughter was in need of shoes and that the school would buy her some if so. A friend request had been declined on Facebook from my brother who refuses to have anything to do with me or his nieces. And my living arrangements right now have me on the verge of a nervous breakdown.�So, a few more tears didn’t make that much of a difference. A little more depression only helps with the misery.�Besides, when it rains it pours.

I am swimming in consequences from a previous life, a previous person that I no longer know or understand. I look at that girl and I can not muster the excuses that justified her irrational and insane behavior or decisions. �I can not understand why she stayed in a relationship that tormented and punished her and the consequences of which are still haunting her now.

I look ahead and I can see how hard this is going to be. I am crawling now under boundaries. It will be a long time before the path before me is much easier to tread. I have to face all of my mistakes and begin to rectify them one at a time. I have to do this terrible task all alone while trying to change my life with three girls holding my hand and looking up to me for their own strengths. Tears fill my eyes each time I think of doing this and wonder if I will even have the strength to take my own steps much less to lend to those little girls that only have me for their every need. People used to say that it took a village to raise a child but now one woman is expected to do it all alone.

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So, I’m writing a proposal/research paper about money. Yep, money. Anyone that personally knows me can testify to how little I like money. I can blame money for all types of societal problems. Greed. The destruction of individuality. Poverty. And on and on it goes. I don’t want to get started. I’ll save it for my paper.

Anyway, I spent some time at the TCC library looking up sources (which were few and far between) and then headed over to the Central library downtown thinking that I would find a much better collection there: Wrong-o. While free-writing I remembered how the Roman Catholics came up with the idea of penance to cleanse people of their sins through tithing and I think it relates well to the history and placement of money in our culture. I typed in “roman catholic” into the computer in the Fort Worth library database and got “0 Results.” I did this several times thinking I was doing something wrong, even tried changing the wording and having a librarian do it as well. Nope. Nada. Finally one of the librarians tells me that they aren’t really set up for that kind of research. “We only have books that are of popular interest to the general public,” she tells me. Wow. Really? How sad. She must have seen the look on my face so she googles my subject and points me in the direction of the library at TCU or the Seminary school. She says I really need to go to a university library to do a paper like that. So, now I am frustrated and, leaving the library empty-handed, I notice the line of books set up by the librarians to entice me to check-out with titles like ‘The Road to Wealth’ and ‘Repeat After Me’ and then I get even more disgusted! Grrr!

The same thing happened in my argument paper. I was originally going to write about financial aid in colleges and some of the unfairly placed grants, so I called up the help line for FAFSA as a starting point and talked to customer representative there. I asked her how I could get in touch with the Department of Education. There was silence on the line and then I was told that there is no way to get a hold of them, because they aren’t real people. They’re just an organization of different entities within the government but that I could send them a letter. Then it was my turn for silence. Huh??

You know, all it takes is an open-mind and open eyes to see the world around us yet so many people choose to be blind folded. And for the ones who actually look, who step out of line to get a better glimpse, they are scorned and told to get back in place. We are taught to dream, to set goals, to think outside the box, yet when we do, we are outcast. People in America lead their lives like children strapped in car seats, told that it is for their own good. But is it really? It is easy to feel like giving up on a notion, but it can’t be worth it. Someone has to ask the question, right?

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Swimming in Consequences

Research Frustration

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