candysue

So, today I put in an application for an apartment along with the $99 required to secure it. The girls and I went to see it yesterday and fell in love with it. It was perfectly centered near the girls school, the bus stop so I could ride back and forth to the college, and right next to the river. The giant windows in the sun room along the wooden floors overlooked large oak trees with no sign of the city anywhere. The woman in the office was helpful and assured me that I would have no problems getting approved, even with my less than great credit.

And then later this afternoon as the girls and I were exploring the absolutely wonderful grand opening of the new Fort Worth Science and History Museum, I received the call that my application had been denied based on my credit score and bad accounts represented therefore.

It’s okay because I had been expecting this. And I had been crying for the past three days anyway.  I had received a call from the school counselor, hours prior, to ask if my youngest daughter was in need of shoes and that the school would buy her some if so. A friend request had been declined on Facebook from my brother who refuses to have anything to do with me or his nieces. And my living arrangements right now have me on the verge of a nervous breakdown. So, a few more tears didn’t make that much of a difference. A little more depression only helps with the misery. Besides, when it rains it pours.

I am swimming in consequences from a previous life, a previous person that I no longer know or understand. I look at that girl and I can not muster the excuses that justified her irrational and insane behavior or decisions.  I can not understand why she stayed in a relationship that tormented and punished her and the consequences of which are still haunting her now.

I look ahead and I can see how hard this is going to be. I am crawling now under boundaries. It will be a long time before the path before me is much easier to tread. I have to face all of my mistakes and begin to rectify them one at a time. I have to do this terrible task all alone while trying to change my life with three girls holding my hand and looking up to me for their own strengths. Tears fill my eyes each time I think of doing this and wonder if I will even have the strength to take my own steps much less to lend to those little girls that only have me for their every need. People used to say that it took a village to raise a child but now one woman is expected to do it all alone.