It has been a while since I have seriously visited this whole weight loss thing. It has been building up though as my guilt has increased and increased lately.  I mean, I try but for a long time it has been a half-assed try because this whole thing just seems so insurmountable. I have lost weight but then gained it back. I was changing my life.

‘Too tough.’ ‘It is just too hard.’ ‘I’ll start Monday.’ Those are the things that I constantly say to myself.

I find myself doing bad mom things as a result of the weight sometimes. The guilt increases even more then. I refuse to take pictures of myself or to allow others to take pictures of me. If I don’t like what I see in the mirror then why would anyone else like what they see of me. My own hangup, I know. But I taking myself out of my children’s memories by refusing to be in pictures.

Another bad mommy thing – Sometimes I make the kids play inside rather than taking them outdoors because I don’t want to sweat. Pathetic, I know. I have made an effort for the past several weeks and we have been outside every day. I am enjoying it more.

I have become stuck in this rut that I am desperately trying to get myself out of and I just don’t know how to ask for help. I cannot ask for help. I am genetically pre-programmed to think that I am Superwoman and that I can do it all.

But I need help. I definitely need help. I need people to hold my accoutable because I don’t do it for myself. I need to feel beautiful again but ONLY for myself. My kids and husband love/adore me and I sure would like to share that same sentiment. But I don’t. I haven’t in more than ten years.

I have been well over 200 pounds for more than 10 years now. That is about a third of my life that I have been fat. This fat person is not who I see when I look in the mirror. I see that hot chick from her 20′s who loved life and loved herself. The one who worked out everyday, watched what she ate for the most part and smiled/laughed all of the time.

I want her back. I need her back. I am sitting here in tears as I write this because I still don’t feel like I can do it. In fact, a lot of the time I don’t feel like any bit of exercise matters or watching what I eat matters because I will never lose the weight.

But then I get to Day 5 of the EA Sports Active 30 Day Challenge (that’s right – 5 days…well one day of rest) and I start to see a little hope. Or at least I feel a little hope. In my butt. In my back. My arms. My freakin’ thighs. Yeah that soreness or stiffness that everyone else feels? Feels like a little hope to me.

Til next time!