Muse

There’s a Right Way to Argue and It Can Be Good for Relationships

Elizabeth Bernstein

• JULY 27, 2010

If you fought with your sweetheart last night, does that mean that your relationship is on the rocks?

Maybe. Maybe not.

Research shows it’s how we fight—where, when, what tone of voice and words we use, whether we hear each other out fairly—that’s critical. If we argue poorly, we may end up headed for divorce court. Yet if we argue well, experts say, we actually may improve our relationship.

Esther and Bill Bleuel learned to change the way they fight. A few years ago, they had a serious spat while driving down Interstate 5 in California. The topic was a sore one: His adult daughters from his first marriage. Ms. Bleuel felt her husband paid more attention to them than to her.

Suddenly, Ms. Bleuel, who was driving, saw red lights flashing behind her. Glancing quickly at her speedometer, she realized she was traveling 96 miles per hour in a 65 mph zone. She pulled over, and a policeman approached the car. Before she had a chance to speak, though, her husband said: “Officer, it is my fault. I was arguing with my wife and she got upset.”

Ms. Bleuel, a 64-year-old psychotherapist from Westlake Village, Calif., says that the policeman looked stunned, then replied: “Oh boy, I know what it’s like—I’m married, too. But please, in the future, try to go easy on her.”

It’s great advice for everyone, right? But how do we do it? How can we learn to keep our cool when we’re upset? How long should we let a disagreement go on? Is there always a “winner”?

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