stevenchristopher

As a kid I was in accelerated classes in school. They actually called the program I was in from 2nd to 8th grade “Gifted and Talented”. Clearly, intelligence hasn’t been much of an asset for me! Nine years in prison, more than that squandered in the cesspit of drug addiction. Basically I’m just qualifying a bit. I’m sort of smart, so the fact that I’ve been an unforgivably slow learner in certain areas of my life can’t be excused as a result of dim-wittedness. If only!

The lesson I’ve been beaten about the head with for a couple years now is that it’s impossible for me to “live dirty and stay clean”. Basically, for most recovering addicts and alcoholics, there’s a need to live clean to stay off drugs. In 12-Step fellowships, addiction is viewed at its core as a “spiritual malady”, the most obvious symptom of which is powerlessness over drugs, alcohol, sex, food, gambling, ad infinitum. They even have 12-Step groups for internet addiction! Whatever we’re addicted to isn’t the problem; it’s the dynamic of addiction itself, which is far deeper than any substance.

Basically, because my addiction is a spiritual malady, I have to live in accordance with my spiritual values if I’m to have any chance of staying clean. Once I start compromising my Spirit and letting my ego run the show, my first line of defense against addiction is commensurately compromised.

I know this, obviously. I sure the hell can TALK like I know it, anyway. The consequences I’ve suffered from repeatedly testing these murky waters range from the loss of loved ones to complete spiritual bankruptcy, from incarceration to financial ruin.

So, why the fuck did I spend the past three days consciously choosing to compromise what I know is True?