No More Stupid Commercials

Change is Coming

Kraft’s Philly Cream Cheese is getting a new advertising agency along with Kraft Singles cheese.  Well, not new really, the agency getting the business -  already had several other Kraft brands already. The new account is worth some decent coin, going for a combined $40 million in spending last year alone according to Adweek.

The Good News
There will be no more of these stupid commercials that were built around the “Snack Happily Every After” theme.
In this gem, you’ll notice that her lunch is in fact a snack, likely so she can afford the calories for dinner and then make moves on the chef at the restaurant….the little tramp.

The Bad News
we don’t know what the new campaign will look like so we’re not out of the cheesy woods yet my friends. Keep your eyes open and your noses alert for any newly cut Kraft cheese commercials that might set off an alarm on the stinkometer.

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Advertiser: Subway
Product: Footlong Subs
Advertisement: Series Theme – $5 Footlong
Advertising Agency: The Arnold Agency

Subway, the American sub sandwich super seller, has had some very strong and incredibly effective advertising over the last 20 years. As we’ve mentioned before, their use of Jared Fogle’s weight loss is a classic example of one of the 12 Types of Ads. And their continued use of him capitalizes upon this great success story and his pop culture iconic status.

With All Our Fixin’s, Why Can’t We Fix It?
It’s easy to understand that Subway had a promotional offer they wanted to tout. They also wanted to demonstrate value with a $5 offer. But a bunch of people showing me their interpretation of what a big ole 12 inches looks like doesn’t exactly inspire me. If anything I found myself  looking over at my girlfriend out of the corner of my eye during one of the commercials and nervously hoping she doesn’t look back and me and say, “I want one of THOSE.”

I can’t be imagining this. The last time I was in Amsterdam I saw the same kind of gestures when I accidentally wandered near their red light district, and I can assure you, it didn’t have anything to do with sandwiches.

I can only hope Jared as a spokesperson for Subway didn’t have anything to do with this direction. He would seriously decline in my estimation as a gentlemen and a scholar and all around good guy.

More Commercials
I’m pretty sure there’s a reference to Godzilla in this one and I’m pretty sure I have no idea why. But when it cuts away from his rampage to show a supposed Japanese women giving us the footlong sign, while shaking her head in a “no, it’s too big” fashion, I’m definitely sure the bad idea department was on hiatus from stupid during production.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WHIo4VruGZY

And adding a very good and catchy jingle that ends up getting pounded over and over again and eventually destroyed when everybody starts singing it themselves in later spots, is only putting lipstick on a $5 low fat pig.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1J5evwnOhi4

The end of this spot is what is most disturbing. Notice the alarming differences in size perception here. And notice the one guy in the back who doesn’t even bother to demonstrate his measuring skills…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IMX5jQJ_W_Q

This campaign has been going on for over a year with no end in sight. I think Subway eventually got the hint that having people depict size (unless your discussing the size of the fish you caught) is a stupid idea. The improvement – they bring in dancers, some of whom suggestively rub their nimble little bodies on the poor, or maybe lucky, guy who ordered them directly off the menu.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=66gvCS3ilRo

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Advertiser: Microsoft

Product or Brand:  Search Engine (named Bing)

Microsoft will soon be entering the world of search with its new search engine “Bing.”

With a name like Bing, they’re already off to a stupid start, thereby creating a directly proportional probability that their new spots could suck too.

What do you think of when you hear the name Bing? I think of Bing Crosby the late, great crooner, but that doesn’t bring me any great sense of anything modern. The most modern thing Bing Crosby did was appear on MTV with David Bowie , back when they actually used VJ’s.

But if anybody can gravitationally persuade me to sing Bing, I suppose it would be Microsoft, the biggest object in the known universe.

Rest assured, you are going to see some TV commercials and then pretty much everywhere else you could possibly imagine.  All we ask is that you stay indoors and at all times and remain ever vigilant.

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Advertiser: Intel Corporation  – (originally INTegrated ELectronics Corp)
Product: No Specific Product – Master Brand
Advertisement: Theme – Our big ideas aren’t like your big ideas
Advertising Agency: Venables Bell & Partners

But when it comes to TV commercials, Intel has had some challenges getting it right, despite throwing wheelbarrows full of cash at it. This campaign is no different. According to the New York Times, Intel could spend between $50 million and $150 million this year on master brands advertising.

I mean come on, this is INTEL, the company with some of the smartest people in the world. The word INTELLIGENCE was named after their company. Moore’s Law was named after founder Gordon Moore, who discovered that when in comes to microprocessor capacity, Intels profits will double every two years.

Our Stupid Ideas Aren’t Like Your Stupid Ideas
$150 MILLION on branding this year?? I’m not too smart, but that sounds like a lot of money to make stupid commercials and proclaim themselves as ”Sponsors of Tomorrow”. 

For that kind of money we could bring back Elvis (who as everyone knows has been cryogenically preserved and is scheduled for a spring thaw next year when the economy improves). We’ll even insert one of Intel’s latest processors instead of the hip replacement surgery he’s been needing and we’ll have his trick pelvis fully restored. AND we’ll put him on tour. Chicks will love it and Intel will ROCK.

The Commercial
In this commercial from May 2009, we find everyone on the floor seemingly in a praying position worshipping the pagan god Pentius. Then we come to find out somebody in the front of the room has dropped something – something really really teeny and some of the smartest people in the world in the back of the room are too stupid to realize that there is no way something really teeny could ever fall that far away, but they’re looking for it quietly back there anyway.

And just when I breathe a sigh of relief that they found whatever the hell had them all on the floor, they all clap and the next thing you know, they’re all standing there as a group and they’re singing to me. Only the smartest people in the world are too stupid to realize they can’t sing. And what’s worse, I’m not even sure all of them know the words because they’re not all in sync and I don’t get the sense that anyone instructed them whether to sing “bum”,  “pum”, or “DUMB”.  And the smartest people in the world have just butchered Intel’s jingle that they’ve spent hundreds and hundreds of millions of dollars promoting and preserving.

And by now, I am deeply concerned, because this whole singing thing is starting to remind me of one of those stupid foot long singing commercials. But that’s a story for another day…

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Advertiser: GEICO (originally Government Employees Insurance Company)
Product: Auto Insurance
Advertisement: Series Theme – The Money You Could Be Saving By Switching Your Insurance to GEICO
Advertising Agency: The Martin Agency

This commercial or rather series of commercials are among the most prominent advertisements on TV today and have been running since 2008.  If you haven’t seen them, you’re probably living under a rock or maybe in a cave.

The Premise
The premise is to show, literally, the money you could be saving by switching your auto insurance to Geico. The money is shown as a small stack of bills with a pair of plastic jiggle eyes sitting on top (known as “Kash”). The theme is always punctuated by a Mysto & Pizzi remix of the 80′s song, “Somebody’s Watching Me” originally by Rockwell.

The TIME I Could Be Saving Watching Something Else
Who let this bad idea happen? Did somebody just sit around and say let’s just show them the money? Oooh, no wait let’s put some eyes on it and that will make it better! And then, we’ll call him Kash caue tha’s Katchy.  Is this the best the Maritn Agency could come up with? Martin is the brilliant agency that gave us the cave men and the gecko and the 15 minutes could save you 15% concept and helped propel GEICO into a top three insurance company.

Now some might say these spots are memorable, but I can assure that with enough money I could take a lint ball from my belly button, call him Lin T, train him to burp on cue and dispense sagely advice like a rapper. I could take a stupid 80′s song (with freak show Michael Jackson on backup vocals) that had a really bad video and use one line and repeat it over and over and over….until you remember Lin T…always.

The Commercials
“Kash Meeting”
- the first one in the series. Note how the guy says, “What IS that?”. Been wondering the same thing since.

“Kash Looks Tired”
- Is this supposed to be like in National Lampoon’s Vacation movie where Aunt Edna’s dog was accidentally left tied up to the car bumper and dragged for miles until only a leash was left? Except that the guy driving the car is an idiot and the fence-hammering axe murderer guy who secretly wears his dead mother’s clothes doesn’t want to give directions to dorks. Yep, just like it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3lxMp8QJVvw

“Kash Date”
- Who’s the third wheel in this spot, her husband or Kash? I think he might get lucky tonight 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jlwjIhHMWLQ

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What We are Evaluating
Even before we get to how we are going to evaluate commercials, we should clarify WHAT we are actually looking at. 

1. First and foremost it must be a commercial. Infomercials are a different matter along with direct response television. If you struggle like I did at first to understand the difference you can gain insight here – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Infomercial 
2. We are only going to discuss national commercials because:
   a.  Local commercials are unfortunately so often filled with stupidity that we would be drowning in a sea of turds without a life ring floaty thing and
   b. National advertisers spend millions of dollars on producing them and then buying the ad time on TV so by the very fact that they often assault our senses, must accept that they are subject to disapproval.

How We Are Evaluating Commercials
Now on to how we identify a commercial as “stupid.” The scientific method and the Heimlich maneuver will be employed whenever possible.
Our CRITERIA FOR RATING STUPID COMMERCIALS

1. What kind of mood I’m in
2. If I have I been drinking 
3. If I have been drinking ALOT
4. If I am conscious or not
5. If someone else has a really good suggestion
6. All criteria are subject to change without notice

All of these approaches will be initiated using a double blind study by the blind using standard deviation and a drag coefficient of 3.

What’s Included
Although each review will come with a rant or tirade of disagreeable nature, our scientists will also attach to each posting:

1. Who the advertiser is
2. The product being pitched
3. The name or title or theme of the commercial
4. The advertising agency that produced it wherever applicable.
5. A video or video link of some sort if at all possible.

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Have you ever found yourself trapped without being able to switch the channel and then reduced to suffering through another stupid commercial?

Well you’ve got friends here.  We feel your pain. In this blog we’re going to start calling out the commercials that make us suffer.  Because even with TIVO or a lightening fast clicker finger, you are not safe.

We shall unite and stand against this tyranny.

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