I’m getting married this weekend! My fiance and I are going to Las Vegas, exchanging vows in front of the backdrop of the Shark Reef aquarium at the Mandalay Bay, and then heading to the Caribbean for our honeymoon. It’s going to be a fun trip, with many of our family members coming to the ceremony and supporting us as we take this big step. I’ll admit, it’s slightly nerve wracking, but underneath the planning and details and to-do lists, it’s a great, warm feeling. We’ve been through a lot together and keep coming out stronger, better and happier than before. We’ve been together for four years and lived together for two, but “marriage” is still a milestone, even if we know it won’t change much about the day-to-day lives we lead.
Marriage doesn’t magically make everything perfect. There’s no such thing as happily ever after, not unless you work for it and help each other and accept the fact that there will still be days that you want to strangle each other out of frustration. Those days pass. By getting married, we get to make a commitment, a very solid one, that everyone in society, the government and the world at large will recognize and respect. There are so many rights afforded to people simply on the basis of marriage… From the minute we sign the marriage certificate, we have rights to each other’s property, we have the right to visit each other in the hospital, we have the right to make major decisions on each other’s behalf… the list goes on. All from saying “I do.” Many of those rights can also be gained through contracts and legal paperwork, but ALL of them are bestowed at once on the couple who gets married. We are fortunate that we can commit to each other AND get the government’s figurative blessing on our union.
Others are not so fortunate. Yesterday, the Maine law allowing same sex marriage was put to a popular vote, and the people of Maine opted to repeal the law. Same sex marriages are no longer legally performed in Maine. This is a huge step backwards for the state, and for the country as a whole.
I have never understood the uproar of conservatives and evangelicals against same sex marriage, and believe me, I’ve tried. The arguments I’ve heard include the following:
1. Same sex marriage would redefine the definition of marriage as it is in the U.S. Constitution. – REALITY: Not true… There’s no definition of marriage in the Constitution.
2. Same sex marriage would be taught in public schools. – REALITY: Since when?? Is traditional marriage taught in public schools? I don’t recall a marriage lesson when I was in school. There was no man+woman=marriage lesson in my class. This argument is a red-herring used to scare moderate people into voting against same sex marriage, because for reasons I can’t comprehend, rational people become irrationally afraid of their own kids “turning gay” if the concept is even mentioned in the context of the classroom (which, again, it most likely wouldn’t be, and even if it were, it would be akin to a fear that mentioning Africa would make kids want to be black).
3. Same sex marriage is against God’s will. – REALITY: Separation of church and state, people. You can’t legislate based on the Bible, or on any other religious doctrine. You may not like it, but that’s how our laws work. Thank God (if you believe in one).
4. If we allow same sex marriage, then the next step will be polygamy, then pedophilia, then incest, then people having sex with turtles. – REALITY: Slippery slope arguments don’t wash. The point here is two consenting adults wishing to enter into a commitment, much as they would enter into a contract. Children are not consenting adults. Family members would still not be able to hook up. Animals, again, are not consenting adults. The only gray area here is polygamy, but legit objections to that are more from a legal standpoint (how would medical decisions, divisions of property, etc. be handled among multiple spouses?). Two consenting adults wishing to get married should not be stymied by arguments that they’re just the first step on a path to total depravation.
5. Civil unions should be just fine for same-sex couples. REALITY: There’s a big difference between civil unions and marriage. Recall how “separate but equal” ended up not working out during the civil rights era? Same thing here. Civil unions grant some rights to couples within the state, but they do not grant the more than 1,000 federal protections and rights that marriage grants, and the rights they bestow may not travel with the couple outside of the state. It’s actually separate and unequal, when you think about it. So unless ALL couples (same-sex and opposite-sex alike) get civil unions instead of marriages, the reality is that it’s simply not fair to have two standards.
6. If same-sex marriage is allowed, then churches will be forced to perform marriages for couples that they don’t want to marry. – REALITY: Not true. Churches can refuse to perform marriage ceremonies for anyone they choose. This isn’t about religious acceptance; it’s about societal, legal and governmental acceptance. When I was married the first time, I got married in a Catholic church. My priest had already refused to marry some hetero couples because they dared to live together before marriage, and he didn’t condone that. He could have said “no marriages for people who wear purple hats,” and it would have been fine; it was HIS church. Churches perform ceremonies with pomp and circumstance, but it’s the underlying legal binding that matters here. In fact, according to the Catholic church, I’m still married to my first husband (I got a divorce and not an annulment), so they would not perform a Catholic ceremony for me now if I wanted one. Luckily, I don’t.
7. Same sex marriage would undermine the sanctity of marriage as it currently stands. – REALITY: What sanctity would that be? You mean how people can get married after knowing each other 30 seconds? Or how people like Larry King have more marriages on the books than Henry VIII? Or how up to half of marriages in this country end in divorce (and most of those divorces occur among people in their 20s)? Or how infidelity is rampant and spousal abuse abounds? Show me the sanctity, because frankly, our society is a sad commentary on marriage. There are obviously many good marriages out there, but it’s clearly not because of the gender of the people involved. It’s because of their character, compatibility and effort, and that transcends sex. Want to protect marriage? Outlaw divorce. Otherwise, drop this argument.
8. Same sex marriage is a threat to traditional marriage. – REALITY: Really? I’m a woman about to marry a man, and I predict that same sex marriages will have zero impact on my marriage. Other people’s relationships don’t have any bearing on my own, or on anyone else’s, either. Mind your own business, busybodies.
9. Gay people just want special treatment. – REALITY: No, they want the same treatment as straight people. Granting same-sex couples the right to get married isn’t giving them any rights that opposite-sex couples don’t already enjoy. It actually levels the playing field, finally.
10. Being gay is a choice, and we shouldn’t condone it. – REALITY: What are you smoking? First, even if it WAS a choice, who’s to say it’s right or wrong? People choose to do a lot of things that we might not agree with, but we can’t treat them like second-class citizens for it. But the reality is that it’s not a choice. You don’t wake up one day and choose to be gay, any more than you wake up and choose to be tall. Sure, you might experiment if you’re curious, and there might be environmental influences that impact sexual orientation, but in the end, your attractions and affections aren’t a choice. There are lots of documented cases of homosexual behavior in the animal community, so it’s not like it’s just us. And for anyone who still thinks it’s a choice, I ask you: When did you choose to be straight? Did you sit there in your seventh-grade English class and think, “You know, I think I’ll decide to be attracted to girls.” No, you just found yourself attracted to the people you found attractive, and that’s not something that takes conscious thought. In fact, society at large presses for everyone to fit the mold of the stereotypical hetero relationship, from pop culture to popular opinion, so anyone who bucks that trend must have really strong motivations to do it. More motivation than “Eh, I just feel like being gay now.” I remember when I was growing up and heard about gay kids being beaten up and harassed, and I thought, Why would anyone choose to be treated like that? They must not have a choice. Seemed logical to me, and I was a kid. Adults who can’t see this are deliberately blind.
11. Kids should be raised with a mother and a father. – REALITY: See the sanctity of marriage point, above. The marriage debate isn’t really about kids, but I’ll address it anyway. The reality today is that there are so many divorced parents, single parents, grandparents raising grandkids, etc. that society’s definition of the family has undergone drastic revisions. The traditional nuclear family isn’t the norm anymore. And studies have shown that the structure of a kid’s family matters less than the quality of the relationships within it. If a parent can provide a stable, loving home, sexual orientation has been shown not to matter. As this article notes, kids raised by same-sex couples turn out no better, no worse, and no more likely to be gay than those raised in hetero households. Good parenting is good parenting, regardless of the couple.
Are there any arguments I’ve missed? I can’t think of any, but you never know. Feel free to add your own in the comments below. The point overall, though, is that we cannot deny rights to consenting adults based on whether or not they have the same reproductive organs. Same-sex couples have many legal, societal and emotional reasons for wanting to marry, but the main reason for permitting same-sex marriage is this: It’s the right thing to do. Love is love, and why wouldn’t we want couples who are in love to make this sort of commitment? Wake up, Maine and the rest of the narrow-minded, scared-of-change people in this country. It’s time to take steps in the right direction and actually GRANT rights instead of limiting them. As conservative columnist David Brooks wrote in the New York Times in 2003, “We shouldn’t just allow gay marriage. We should insist on gay marriage. We should regard it as scandalous that two people could claim to love each other and not want to sanctify their love with marriage and fidelity.”
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Every year that I’ve had a blog (and I have had one for many years, just not always THIS one), I’ve picked a day shortly before Christmas to post the text of “Yes, Virginia, There is a Santa Claus.” I do this for a couple of reasons: One, it’s a beautifully-written response to a little girl’s curiosity about Santa. Two, as the hustle and bustle of the holidays pulls us in all directions, it’s nice to stop and remember the magic, the childhood wonder, and the joy of giving that Christmas brings us. And three, as I’m not a religious person, it’s sort of my own holiday religious moment: What makes Christmas magical for a child isn’t the gifts, and it isn’t even the baby Jesus story (let’s face it, kids don’t really grasp the mystery of the nativity). It’s still faith, though. Faith that what we believe can be real, even if we don’t see it with our eyes. That the spirit of something matters more than the material stuff. And that sharing love and compassion with those around us is where the true spirit lies.
With one week to go before Christmas, it’s time for me to start baking cookies. I don’t like doing it earlier than this, since they tend to get stale and crumbly if they sit too long. I bake for my family and friends, and sometimes I give the cookies as gifts… They make a great, festive, inexpensive gift that cost you just the ingredients and the time to bake! Everyone loves homemade goodies at the holidays.
