Ramblings of a Non-Native Texan

Yes, you read that right. Wal-Mart, the gigantor retail outlet that drives smaller specialty shops out of business and offers low prices on its many cheap goods, is now in the afterlife business.

Just one of the many caskets available for purchase at walmart.com

Right now, on Wal-Mart’s website, you can buy caskets. Just in time for Halloween! No, it’s no morbid holiday hoax. With a few clicks, your casket can be on its way to your home via FedEx overnight. Because let’s face it, you rarely know 6 to 10 working days in advance when you’ll need a coffin handy.

I’m making light of this because it’s so very weird and a little scary. Sure, the funeral industry seems like a gouge sometimes, with funeral homes charging thousands of dollars for caskets and visitations and cemeteries charging ungodly amounts of money for a 7′-by-4′ plot of land, but Wal-Mart? Seriously? There’s something so very wrong about buying a casket from the same mega-retail chain that stocks peanut butter, backpacks and high-def TVs. But I guess your online shopping experience with Wal-Mart can now include REALLY long-term planning… “Hey, honey, I’m going to order that new DVD player we wanted, and while I’m at it, do you want a casket in slate blue or orchid? We might as well stock up!”

What’s especially ludicrous is that Wal-Mart isn’t just selling a few caskets. The online store offers more than two dozen models, ranging from under a thousand bucks to more than $3,000. Wow, check out those falling prices! Hope dignity doesn’t fall along with them.

I, for one, will never buy a Wal-Mart casket, because I don’t intend to be buried in any sort of casket. I want to be cremated and avoid wasting that valuable cemetery real estate. So no Wal-Mart afterlife for me! Oh, wait… They carry urns, too.

It’s almost Halloween! One of the most fun festivals of the year. The costumes and candy are great, but pumpkin carving is probably my favorite part of Halloween! So in honor of the coming holiday, here are some of the fun/cool/sick/wicked carved pumpkins I’ve found online over the years that make me wish I had more artistic ability…

I made one last year that looked like this last photo, with a big pumpkin chewing on a smaller one. I couldn’t make it look as good as the one in the pic, but it still got more notice than traditional jack-o-lanterns!

Happy Halloween, everyone! Be creative with your pumpkins, and don’t let the gooey pumpkin guts get under your nails.

Happy hockey season! I love this time of year. I don’t care for the cold weather and longer nights, but I love the holidays, the pumpkin-based recipes, the football, and the HOCKEY. I grew up a fan of the St. Louis Blues, but since living in Texas, I’ve become a die-hard supporter of my Dallas Stars. Simply put, they rock.

Mike Modano carries the Stanley Cup for the Stars

Hockey is one of the greatest sports to watch. It’s fast-paced, it’s rough, and the players (for the most part) aren’t overpaid prima donnas who make headlines for their attitude problems or steroid use. Hockey players are regular guys, probably the most underappreciated in sports, aside from soccer players. Really, hockey is the frozen, fun evolution of soccer. Take soccer; make the ball VERY small, flat and hard; put pads and skates on your players; give ‘em big sticks; and move the whole shebang to the ice. Voila, hockey!

One of the things I like best about hockey is that players don’t get called for penalties just for bumping into each other. In basketball and, increasingly, football, the slightest things are called as fouls, which drags down the games into a mire of officiating. Hockey is unrepentantly boisterous, though. Players routinely drop their sticks and gloves and start wailing on each other, and the officials let it happen. Fighting is all part of the rough-and-tumble game. It’s only when one or both of the guys fall to the ice that the refs get in there to break it up. Then play resumes, with high-speed skating and high-skill puck handling driving the 60-minute clock to a feverish finish. What’s not to love?

Hockey doesn’t get the TV audience of the bigger sports, but boy, are the fans devoted. I love attending hockey games in person, despite the fact that it feels about 30 below when you’re sitting down close to the artificially-generated ice. The fans scream, cheer and, in Dallas, butcher the National Anthem (at the two points in the song where the word “stars” is heard, fans yell “STARS!” at the top of their lungs to support the local Stars team). When you’re at a hockey game, you’re among thousands of your best friends, even if you’ve just met. And when it’s over, you’re shocked that it went by so fast.

What the fans know (and most non-fans don’t think about) is that there’s a lot of finesse to the game of hockey. It’s rough on the surface, but those guys are on ice skates, people. They’re maneuvering a small puck with long sticks at high speeds. It’s not easy, and when a player executes a particularly great move, it’s fodder for the SportsCenter highlight reel (or the YouTube audience). That goes for pros and amateurs alike… Just the other day, the Internet swooned at the ability of 9-year-old Oliver Wahlstrom of Portland, Maine, an up-and-coming hockey player. Watch this kid’s shot:

That is AMAZING, especially at his age. Pro players have made some amazing shots in the past, but this kid’s got some outstanding skill. He’ll probably be hefting the Stanley Cup for his team in a few years.

So Happy Hockey Season, everyone! May your days be merry and bright, and may all your hockey games have fights.