Letters to random people
A few letters to people I’d like to say something to…
Dear People of Massachusetts:
You went for the guy with the truck? Really?? You realize he’s Republican, right? Although I can see how you might be confused since he rarely used the term “Republican” in his campaign. It’s kind of a dirty word in many circles. Like in the whole of Massachusetts. And nice job dissing Ted Kennedy’s legacy… I wasn’t a huge Ted Kennedy fan myself, but the guy did seem truly dedicated to the good of the people of his state and of the nation as a whole. By the way, this current “health care reform won’t work in Mass, so screw the rest of you” attitude is disturbing. Massachusetts is still a state in the United States, right? And you know that there are more issues at stake than just health care, despite the infinitely simplified campaign rhetoric, right?
Maybe not. Enjoy your new Senator.
Sincerely,
An Illinoisan/Virginian/Floridian-turned Texan who is glad not to live in Mass.
Dear Conan O’Brien:
I dig you. You’re a class act. I’m sorry NBC treated you so poorly. Their blind allegiance to Jay Leno is puzzling… He’s no Johnny Carson, and though he may appeal to baby boomers, your dry, snarky humor is far more enjoyable to those of us born after 1970. You know, the ones who are stepping into the roles of power and influence as the boomers retire. Anyway, I’m glad you got a nice package out of the deal, at least, and maybe someday, the Tonight Show will have someone as talented as you at the helm again. In the meantime, I can’t wait to see where you land next.
Sincerely,
A Fan(of both you AND your hair)
Dear Creepy Guy that works at the grocery store:
I know how to use the self check-out machines. Maybe you were really bored and had nothing better to do right then. But standing a few feet behind me, watching me scan my groceries, is just creepy. Were you waiting for me to have a machine malfunction so you could sweep in and fix it? Were you curious about what brand of cereal I buy? Were you just being a creepy guy who stares openly? Whatever the reason, please don’t do it again, or I’ll be forced to find a grocery store that doesn’t employ creepy people. I’m sure there’s one out there, somewhere.
Sincerely,
The lady checking out on register 7
Dear Dogs:
You are cute and furry and lovable. But you also stink. And no, licking yourselves for an hour does not constitute a bath. So please don’t fight me so hard when it actually IS bathtime… Believe me, it’s no picnic for me either, wrestling you into the tub. The least you could do is give up, take it like a man and then go back to licking yourselves to get that pesky cleanliness off.
Sincerely,
The lady who feeds you
Dear Self:
You need to get some sleep. Next thing you know, you’ll be writing letters to people that won’t ever read them, and assuming the dogs can understand you when you talk to them. No one likes a crazy lady…
Sincerely,
Me
