I don’t have cable so haven’t seen The United States of Tara – but those closest to me tell me that my life is played out quite well each season on showtime.  Ok, so I don’t really have multiple personalities – I mean I know i’m always Kim – wife, mom, 39 year old marketing GENIUS, creative guru and gardening fanatic… but each day I get to visit a place where my alternate personalities can showcase themselves in grand style while still maintaining my kim-like persona – my closet.

I think it’s because I’ve recently lost 65 pounds – yes folks that’s like losing two ginormous thanksgiving turkeys – one off each side of my ass. I like shopping for clothes now and do so at least once a month.  And not being one to stifle my creative innards, I’ve got theme days apparently that just sort of ‘happen’ depending on my mood.

Like today – I am a mutherf*cking gangster.  Oh I still say hi to the other moms at daycare when i drop my son off & look at the adorable little duck he cut out (all by himself) – but on the way out the door i know those other moms are thinking – damn that bitch it lethal! black cargoes, tight shirt and my studded up ed hardy hat say it all. fo-shizzel.

I just got confirmation that my straw cowboy hat is also on its way to me – to go of course with the awesome brown leather heart shaped, studded belt and high heel ‘cowgirl clogs’ that I had to have.  You know, for those days when the range is just a’callin my name.

One of my favorites though is the sexy businesswoman look – all professional like with black slacks, a crisp white button down, my glasses in leiu of contacts (for added ‘smartness’) and of course the 4 inch alligator skin high heeled strappy sandals. ahhhh…..

It’s fun to wear an edge to your personality that otherwise wouldn’t come out if you didn’t accessorize it with large silver hoop earings and hollywood shades.

My life as it stands today? Plaid wearing, ripped jeans sportin’ awesome.

We’ve all seen them – fluffy little grey tails twitching, chattering happily in tree limbs when they find that little nut – your common little squirrels are out in full force this spring. Sadly though, not all of them will make it to the most treasured times in all squirrel-dom – the fall harvest. Why you ask? Squirrel gangs.

Yes – I’ve seen them and I fear them. We live surrounded by woods so I tend to get more animals visiting our property than Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom (holla back 70′s crowd!). But I’ve seen over the past few years, the growing horrors of squirrel gang violence.

Young innocent squirrels are sought out for membership in early spring – once they leave the safety of their parent’s trees they’re recruited for nut collecting, bulb forreging and early season vegetable crop decimation. Some simply accept this fate and endure the teasing, violence and brutality of the other members, but for some, it’s just too much.

Those unfortunate squirrels are led down the dark path of – squirrel suicide.  I know you’ve seen them – the haunting look in their little eyes – waiting on the side of the road for just… the right… moment…..NOW! RUN! CAR! GO!

Why do they wait on the side of an empty road for minutes when there’s no traffic and then, the SECOND you’re upon them they dart out and try to cross? It’s their only way out.

So the next time one of these poor creatures decides that it’s YOU who is going to help them end their existence and you swerve to avoid them but… eeeewwwwwwwoooops – take comfort in knowing that you may have ended a little squirrel life, but also may have fulfilled that little guy’s greatest wish.

My life as it stands today? Ever watchful for the one I can help.

HA! Take that all you Super-mom wannabe’s – I am the most awesome mom in the whole world! Today I single-handedly woke up – on time, showered and shaved my legs, got both kids up, dressed & fed breakfast and put my daughter on the bus ON TIME. Now if that’s not a Super-Hero feat I don’t know what else there is…

Here I am again sorting through a myriad of emailed resumes for another part-time position, and here I am again, confounded by the things people will actually write, or not write, on their emails, cover notes & resumes.

I now share with you some of my favorites…

So even before 9/11, I was of the ‘we must be prepared for a disaster’ sort of mind. I didn’t take it to the extent that I apparently do now though, post kids & all, but the undercurrent of preparedness has always been there. Maybe it’s becuase I was a girl scout & we had that ‘always be prepared’ thing going on. But this need to have everything -  ”just in case”  – has proven itself worthy in many instances to the extent that I’ve heard “wow, you’re really prepared! (freak)” at least a dozen times in my life.

Here is a list of things in one of my disaster preparedness kits:

- The Emergency Car Kit -contains bottled water, first aid kit, basic flares & auto help road signs, extra diapers & wipes, a full change of clothing for both kids,  two disposable sippy cups, dried fruit, goldfish snack bags and gummy bears, two mini packs of crayons complete with mini coloring books, a blanket, window-hammer-thingy and a box of tissues. 

Why do I need all of these things? Is it due to possible terrorist attach or impending flat tire-itis? No in my mind it’s so when my car flies off a bridge into the shallow Hudson River, I’ll be equipped to get both kids freed from the up-side-down wrechage, dry, fed, watered & entertained after the emergency vehicles to pull us out of the marsh. This assumes that we actually survive the fall from the bridge without a scratch of course.

I have other bags as well, like the airline travel bag (even though we’re not flying anywhere) and my favorite -  ‘lost in the wilderness’ bag. Thanks to shows such as Survivor-man I now always carry with me 5 feet of electrical cord and the stuffing from an old car seat. You know, in case I need to track, kill & cook a grizzly with my bare hands to keep the kids happy until we trek our way out of the brush and back to the front yard.

My life as it stands today? Survivor Ready - now where is that signal flare…

This morning started out as the others – drive down our road to wait for my daughter’s school bus to come – car is parked & running. Bus comes – I exit with her & put her on the bus. Get back to the car and realize the car door partially closed and the car has now auto-locked itself – parked, running… with my 2 year old son in his car seat.  Fight panic – stay calm – start running towards the bus… like what, my daughter keeps a spare set of keys in her leopard messenger bag? Keep running left towards neighbor’s house – knocking on the door, ringing the bell. My dear neighbor did not ask for an early morning wake up call, but she got one poor thing. On the phone now trying to dial 1-800-on-star – apparently they did not have enough money to get that phone number set up & I have to call 411 to get the number. 411 also apparently does not offer the ‘click 1 & we’ll connect you feature’ so here I go running back from my car trying to keep my son calm, back to the neighbor’s house to get a pen & paper to write down the friggin number. Redial 411, get the number & finally get on-star. After three tries of sending the ‘unlock doors’ signal – and a half hour later mind you since each ‘try’ takes 10 minutes – the signal can’t get through. They’ve now called the sheriff’s department for me who are on their way – no eta for arrival but I know they’re coming.

My son is now hysterical. He’s trying poor thing to unbuckle his car seat which is not working, which frustrates him even more since he can’t get to me & I can’t get to him, and he does the most amazing thing…

My little boy – soon to be three at the end of October – in complete hysterics & sobs – takes off his socks & shoes and starts trying to open the door handle with his little foot. He’s getting more upset because he just can’t do it – he’s not strong enough to pull the handle the whole way. So he maneuvers himself & stretches so he can reach the window button. After many tries he hits it just right & it opens a bit. I’m happily cheering him on, he’s stopped crying & realized that HE, DID IT. He does it again – enough so I can reach in & unlock the door.

VICTORY!!! I un-latch & swoop him out of the car seat – return the phone to my neighbor so she can take her kids to school, onstar calls the sheriff for me to cancel the call & off we go to drop him at daycare to have breakfast together. The biggest little hero of the day will be getting a happy meal dinner of his choice and a pet fish for his new big-boy room. Hey, if he asked for a T-Rex right now I would hunt one down & bring it back to life for him.

My life as it stands today? Amazed at the absolute will, determination and ingenuity of my son. My hero.

Once my son’s new room was 99% complete, I shifted my focus to a new project (because I always need to be working on the next big thing) – Operation ONE!

That’s right – instead of trying to figure out how to do 10 things at once I’m going to try and focus on only doing ONE thing at a time. I recently read an article where this guy tried this same experiment – shutting everything else out and really concentrating on only doing one thing. It’s not easy.

As I sit here & write this I’m distracted by the conversation going on in the office next to mine (do they really have those shoes in green at Marshalls? I wonder how quickly I could get to Marshalls.) Or the squeaking noise from the chair of the co-worker behind me (is he pretending he’s on a roller coaster over there or simply trying to reach the wipe-board?) But I wrestle my brain back to this blog page – focus you thing you! Quick check on Sunshine, my new beta fish/office pet – is he still alive? yes, whew. Ok, where was I? Right. ONE.

ONE Task very well done. ONE thought fully processed (that includes remembering it in detail 5 minutes from now). ONE project completed.

Instructions to self: Save blog as draft – come back a week later to see how it goes…

So, after doing this for one week I realize that ONE is not a number in my vocabulary. I’m a multi-tasker. I’ve spent years perfecting the coffee pour, voicemail dial, email check, status update meeting juggle. I’m a pro. They should put a friggin plaque in the hall of “Those Who Can Multi-task” building that says I’m the greatest freakin multi-tasking rock star of this millenia. So I test a new theory – only do the ONE thing when I’m with my kids.

This way I can fully embrace the fast-paced, multi-tasking world that is my life from 9-5, and still stop to smell the roses from 5pm on…

This is working for me. I am playing with my kids. They are laughing as I tickle them. Nothing else intrudes on our tickle-fest to take me away from this moment of sheer joy and fulfillment.

My life as it stands today? ONE happy multi-tasker.

How many of you…

1. Woke up this morning and said “Thank God it’s Friday”

2. Thought, “Thank God for a three day weekend”

3. Remembered, “I don’t have off on Monday”

4. Got pissed off and decided to take it out on the innocent looking fresh tub of cream cheese – oh I’ll spread you on my bagel mr. friggin i’m a tub of cream cheese!

5. Checked your Facebook account

6. Closed Facebook and then opened it again 3 minutes later because maybe there would be another notification there that you really didn’t see before but somehow someone just posted and it might be important

7. Checked out that banner ad that totally seems to be targeted at me… how do they DO that!

8. Checked your twitter account for random updates

9. Saw something you started to share on Facebook, but then thought twice about it

10. Closed your computer down so you could ‘relax’ and then came back to it an hour later because there might be something important that just can’t wait and you can’t relax now until you know for sure…

My life as it stands today? Guilty. Guilty. Guilty…  Shut Down. Unplug. RELAX & ENJOY THE WEEKEND!!!

Yesterday was my baby girl’s first day of Kindergarten. Thank you, thank you, no applause necessary Yes – I made it through without her seeing me cry (that was saved for all of my co-workers), running after the bus or calling her school more than once.

Ok – I had to put a box of Benadryl in her bag for the school nurse because of her peanut allergy and just wanted to check to make sure it got there, all right?

She of course did great – she loves her orange locker that has a green frog with her name on it – no one else has a green frog you know. She didn’t like the bus ride so much because they have to sit the little ones three to a seat due to the number of kids riding this bus – so the apparently ginormous boy – most likely in college she thinks – with the even bigger backpack – was squishing her little friend in the seat who was then squishing her. Hopefully he won’t want to eat as much today so his lunch won’t be so big that it makes his backpack the size of the hoover dam.

And then, there was the vomit. Not hers thank goodness – but some poor other little kid who was crying for his mommy and got off the bus at school, walked over to the wall of the building and proceeded to throw up. A LOT. She looked like she felt sorry for him a little and said he had to go to the nurse and probably the “hostaple”.

All in all quite the exciting day for her. She loves the after-school program that has a big box of barbie’s and the one with the little momma dog and the baby dog that get all dirty with mud and the momma dog has to give the baby dog a shower… but they didn’t open that one up yet.

Bastards! How could they not open up the shower dog barbie? I must get on the phone with them this instant to see about this heinous breach of kindergarten etiquette. 

My life as it stands today?Proud momma of the best damn kindergartner in the world.

For all of you who haven’t had the pleasure of visiting Cape Cod, MA… let me share some of my favorite ”little known things about the cape” with you. See, my parents retired there about 8 or 9 years ago so each year we take the kids up to see them for a week. During these little vacations I’ve picked up on some of the very cape cody things that only folks “up on the cape” would understand…

1. They say “up on the cape” for everything – thinking that we non-cape living folk simply don’t understand where the heck in the world the cape actually is. You mean it’s not, down by the coast, or out by the ocean?  No. It’s “Up on the cape we have a Walmart.”  no kidding? wow!

2. If you’re not ‘up on the cape’ you’re apparantly “off cape”. So right now, my mother would say “my daughter & son live off cape in New York”. really? New York is off cape? WOW!

3. The Christmas Tree shoppes originated, up on the cape. Yes folks, if you can’t find one of the several hundred Christmas Tree shops there then you must not be ‘up on the cape’ but somewhere ‘off cape’ where the rest of the non-cape society lives.

4. Don’t call them Sc-a-llops with the ‘a’ sound like in apple… they’re really “Scollops” with an “ah” sound like Olive. Apparantly the minute you step foot on the cape, your accent changes and you sound like one of the Kennedy’s. Say it any other way and you must be from off cape.

5. You’re only allowed to have one of the apparantly hysterical “Cape Cod Bridge & Tunnel Authority” stickers for your car window if you live ‘up on the cape’.  They really get a kick out of it when ‘off capers’ (another knickname for us) ask them “where’s the tunnel”? They think that’s the funniest thing ever and can only laugh about it with other retired cap-codders. (For those still scratching their heads, there is no tunnel to the cape.)

6. There’s a restaurant there called “Scargos”. Being a savvy New Yorker I say it like “Es-cargots” – but I’ve been corrected. They’re not trying to be witty with a play on words, they actually call it Scargos – like scar – goes. They don’t get it.

So the next time you venture to go up to the cape, make sure you also bring a compass – apparantly one road there that goes north, is actually called south – due to the proximity to Boston. Go figure. Maybe I should make them switch everything around then so they are actually ‘off cape’ and I’m up on the cape when I’m at work.

You know we have a Walmart here!

My life as it stands today? Backwards with a side of Salty.